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Why Do Good Women Attract The Wrong Men?

by Dominique Andersen Leave a comment Go to comments

‘Before you say “there’s no good men” just make sure you’re a good woman.’ – Trent Shelton

This quote in my news feed caught my attention.

Upon first read, it was obvious to me there is some merit to it.

Sometimes, I can’t help but marvel at some of the ladies out there who still believe they will find a good husband by shaking their behinds at 3:30am in a club.

I tend to think that you get what you advertise for.  So if your outfit andor your behavior is advertising let’s have fun like there’s no tomorrow, don’t be surprised if after all the fun there’s no tomorrow!

I am not being a prude, I am just pragmatic.

In the comments, some people were also pointing out the fact that it wasn’t completely fair. A lot of serious women were caught up in relationships with less than serious partners.

I could see the truth in that as well.

A few days later, I got an opportunity to reflect on this a little more.

I was on the phone with a friend of mine who was telling me about her recent breakup. The man she had been involved with ended up betraying the trust she placed in him. She was devastated.

And while she was drawing parallels with her previous relationships, she started to notice a pattern. All these men we were letting her down one way or another. And she was still feeling the outrage from all these betrayals.

Just to make things clear: she’s a beautiful, elegant, smart, soft-spoken professional with a heart of gold. And nothing in her lifestyle advertises for let’s have fun like there’s no tomorrow!

So what about her could be attracting these unreliable men?

It’s true that the people in our lives are the reflection of the life we lead.

Motivational speaker extraordinaire Jim Rohn summarized this perfectly: ‘You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.’

But there’s a lesser know fact: we also attract what we believe subconsciously.

In the word of psychologist William James, ‘The greatest discovery of our generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind. As you think, so shall you become.’

So more than just attracting our lifestyles, we truly attract what we believe to be true.

You see, it’s now understood that what comes into our experience is the result of 3 factors:

– our  belief system,

– what we pay attention to, like what we discuss, what watch, what we read,

– how we feel about things.

We attract everything: the good and bad experiences.

So in a sense: yes, we do attract the people who hurt us, just like my friend was attracting her flaky boyfriends.

I can already hear some people accusing me of blaming the victim. But please bear with me.

It’s not really our/her fault, we are just not taught better.

Just like we don’t blame a child who injures himself while exploring the world, we can’t really blame someone, like my friend, who attracts a negative situation in their life because of a lack of knowledge and awareness of certain universal principles.

We pick up thoughts, ideas, beliefs from everywhere around us like we pick up viruses. And just like viruses, if we haven’t built a certain immunity to them they can affect us negatively.

When it comes to women and relationships, we pick up our beliefs from our parents, our aunts, our sisters, our girlfriends, the magazines, the movies and the TV shows we watch.

Starting to get the picture?

Let’s say you’ve spent your childhood watching your mother struggle as single mom.

Or your aunt went through a nasty divorce with a cold-hearted husband.

Or you love to read magazines with endless articles about unfaithful men, and unhappy couples.

Guess what: you’ve got a recipe for disaster!

A negative picture starts to form in your mind about men and the fate relationships. There could be hundred of millions of wonderful men out there, this inner picture would prevent you from coming in contact with any of them.

Even if on the surface your lifestyle wasn’t a match for the wrong guys, your reality could only reflect this distorted image that was build from unhappy past or proxy experiences.

The good thing about accepting responsibility is that with it we also regain our power to turn things around.

Rather than an opportunity for blame, it’s an opportunity for growth.


By looking at ourselves, our lives and our results honestly to uncover these toxic stories we have accepted as true.

And then by building a strong immunity to the negativity.

The easiest way to do this is by changing our beliefs, changing what we pay attention to and changing the way we feel about things.

It means to let go of the drama, of the gossip or of the chick-flicks with the ever unhappy-in-love heroines.

In truth, they are programming us for failed relationships. Consciously we might think they are entertaining, but subconsciously our minds seek to replay these stories in our lives.

It also means to make peace mentally with the people who have harmed us or our loved ones: the absent dads, the flaky boyfriends, the cold-heart ex-husbands and all the less than perfect men out there.

Like they say: ‘Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.’

So as long as we feel the anger, the betrayal, the outrage, the sadness, we will be attracting more people who will give us things to be angry, hurt, outraged or sad about.

So really it’s not so much for their sake, but for ours!

And, no it doesn’t mean to invite them for a second round!

Absolutely, not!

Instead we could , for instance, write them a letter to clear out all our feelings and burn it afterwards.

In the end, all of this is about planting in our minds the seeds of what we’d like to experience: looking for the happy couples, noticing the good men, collect inspiring stories. Basically, it’s about building the case for happy endings in our minds.

It might sound simple but it works!

Growing around toxic people l ended up unconsciously replaying similar stories in my life for a long time.

But what is striking is that as I did this work and cleared up my inner world, I realized the outer landscape started to change as well.

There were different people out there: less angry, more gracious, more caring, more supportive.

Today are there still challenges? Of course.

But now they tend to be of a different kind. And most importantly, I now clearly see how they always reflect something I need to learn about myself.

As a result, I tend to embrace the challenges more.

So in the end, while it’s true that some lifestyle are bound to attract chaotic relationships, it’s really our beliefs that attract the people we meet.

QUESTION: As a woman, do you find yourself attracting the wrong men?

I firmly believe that if you don’t lead the lifestyle, you don’t have to attract the wrong guys. So if you are interested in learning more about tuning up your mindset to be less attractive to what you don’t want, and more attractive to what you truly desire, sign up for this free e-course that will provide you with the basic steps.


Dominique Andersen has been on a personal journey to understand and master the universal principles behind the law of attraction and manifesting for over 20 years. She provides coaching and training around these topics. She’s passionate about empowering others to transform their lives with the knowledge she gathered on this journey. Link:  http://stretchandbloom.com/manifesting-101/

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  1. Kristi
    February 26th, 2013 at 16:33 | #1


    Beautiful job ! Coming from an amazing family, with parents that were a golden example of a healthy marriage, it has been confusing as to why I have had some of the relationships that I have . I was always encouraged, by my parents, to be everything that I am and for that I am grateful . However, it doesn’t seem to jive with the men in my life ! Being intelligent, funny, motivated, successful and out going are just a few of the reasons they fall in love… and the exact reasons the relationship ends, when their jealousy kicks in . What is with the men that I am attracting ? They have all said that I am their perfect, dream woman… yet once they have me, they have not a clue how to handle it !?! (great example of ‘watch what you wish for’) ! Their insecurities, jealousy and their constant need of reassurance is more than I can handle . Again, watching my parents and their example of healthy, true like and love, is what I strive for and don’t believe that I have to ‘dim my light’, for anyone . Yet, that is exactly what I have done, until the suffocation is too much and I have to end the relationship . It pains me deeply to do so and I don’t understand why it has to be that way ! I will take to heart all of the wonderful things you wrote, I just haven’t found my ‘Herb’ yet !! ~ K

  2. Will
    February 27th, 2013 at 21:10 | #2

    Thank you for stopping by and commenting, Kristi. May good love find you soon.

  3. February 28th, 2013 at 00:25 | #3

    Howdy! Would you mind if I share your blog with my facebook group?
    There’s a lot of people that I think would really appreciate your content. Please let me know. Thanks

  4. Will
    February 28th, 2013 at 12:21 | #4

    Sure! Thank you…that would be great! What’s the Facebook group?
    Also, feel free to join and share your groups page and website on The Inner Seed Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/theinnerseed.

  5. March 4th, 2013 at 05:06 | #5

    Kristi, I hear your frustration. And I absolutely second you in the belief that no-one should have to dim their light for anyone else. I really don’t think this is what true love is about. In my book, a healthy relationship is a space where both individual are encouraged to be themselves, appreciated for what they are, help each other grow and reach their potential.
    obviously jealousy has no place in this picture!
    What’s wonderful about your story is that you have a healthy and vibrant example to fuel your vision for your ideal relationship. And that’s a true blessing!
    If was working with you I would advice you to envision yourself in a relationship that have all the qualities you have come to desire by looking at your parents and also some of the men you have been involved with. What I would change is that I would also had in my vision that this man is comfortable with your light in the long run.
    By visualizing this new vision, you are allowing yourself to attract a different kind of men than the men than the man who have wrong you in the past.
    And I am sure by practicing this you’ll be very soon living the relationship you deserve.

    You see manifesting is tricky business, and it just takes a bad experience that we can’t shake to start a cycle where we attract more similar experiences. There’s nothing wrong with you, it’s not really your fault, it’s that we’re not taught how to use our minds for success.
    But once you’ll start to imagine yourself attracting amazing men that are comfortable with your light, your world will transform itself. I can guarantee!
    The Free e-course I offer has all the basic action steps to get you started on your journey to manifesting this relationship.
    Thank you for signing up, I am sure you’ll meet your Herb very soon!

  6. Very True
    September 22nd, 2013 at 11:00 | #6

    what about us men that attract the wrong women too? especially if she is a stalker.

  7. Joy
    October 18th, 2015 at 15:00 | #7

    I agree if you change yourself and thoughts you will start accepting men whom are right for you. I just have one question. What about if you did have a horrible childhood growing up, you were shown what not to do. How could you relate with someone on that level? You could be dating a guy who has money and grew up in a perfect environment. I think it’s a huge thing to not be able to relate in some level. Are you saying that if you had a rough life growing up you are automatically doomed? I don’t feel that way. I look at it as, this is not how a relationship should be.

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