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Sea Of Confidence

June 16th, 2009 by Will Nesbitt Leave a comment Go to comments

Normally, I’m a positive person. I like to support others with kind words and thoughts just so they will always be uplifted and in a positive frame of mind. People can usually depend on me to be the voice of hope and reason. And I love it. I love seeing others get what they want or feel better about themselves. But, there are times when I’m not so positive or so motivated. My perception is not always rosy. Sometimes my mind drifts into thinking negative thoughts to the point where I feel as though I will drown in them.

Just as the tide of the sea ebbs and flows, so does my confidence. There are moments when I don’t feel handsome, times when I don’t feel needed, times when I don’t feel wanted, times when I don’t feel talented, times when I don’t feel intelligent, times when I don’t feel capable, times when I don’t feel strong, times when I don’t feel worth anything, times when my guilt about things I’ve done are overwhelming, times when I don’t feel as though I won’t make a good husband or father, times when I don’t feel that my confidence or self-worth is even warranted, and times when I just feel damn awful. These moods come and go. There are some times when they come all at once and I feel as though I have entered hell and that I’m destined to remain there forever. But I guess that’s why it’s said that there is a time for all things, huh?

I have never said these things to anyone in all my 30+ years of living….at least not in this way. I don’t share my deepest thoughts about myself with anyone…good or bad. Anytime I’m feeling good about myself, I keep it to myself because I don’t want to sound as though I’m bragging or tooting my own horn. And when I’m feel down, I keep it to myself because people have their own problems to worry about. The few times I attempted to express my thoughts to someone, they seemed to either not be interested or offer the cookie cutter advice of ‘It’s going to be alright’ or ‘Be encouraged’. People mean well, but I mean if you can’t put anymore thought into it than that then why bother. I understand, though. Sometimes people just don’t know what to say. I can’t blame them for that. Which is why I normally choose to keep things to myself.

How do I get out of these ruts? Do I talk to myself? Do I use self-affirmations? Do I pray? Do I just change how I think and everything is going to be alright? The answer for me is yes to all of the above. It has taken me a long time to understand myself and know who I am. It takes learning from my choices that I’ve made whether they be helpful choices or choices that were not in my best interest. It takes reminding myself that I am no better and no less than anyone else. It takes remembering that I am a perfect creation of the Creator of All who doesn’t make mistakes. It takes accepting myself whether others do or not. It takes me making decisions and sticking to them. It takes me accepting the consequences of my choices beforehand instead of worrying about them. It simply takes me understanding that loving myself isn’t about me FEELING good about myself all the time, but KNOWING myself at all times. For it is the thoughts and knowledge of self that controls the feelings.

Mastering my self is a continuous process. As I continue to understand the self within me, I can continue to grow and create a more positive outer self to share with others.

Part II – Me

Me. I can’t be anything else but.
It’s what I’ve always been and always will be.

I create and re-create myself based on my needs and inspiration.
Understand that I stand under no one’s shadow.

It is in the vast, never-ending love of the ALL that I live, move, and have my being.
The world revolves around the sun….not you….not me. What does your world revolve around?
The universe holds many suns. None are superior. None are inferior. All are equal. Accept and embrace this….for this is humility. This is life.

Hate is the space that seperates. Love is the glue that binds.
I am bound only by love, yet I am free to be me.

To understand the ALL is to understand yourself is to understand me. We are One.
Different colors of the same spectrum of light beamed through the prism of existence.
I shine as I was meant. You are red. I am blue. We can be nothing else but.

I am what I am. Period.

  1. August 12th, 2009 at 20:53 | #1

    The bottom line is, sometimes we just have to encourage ourselves. We all have these feelings from time to time. If the negative feeling is constantly there, or recurs too often, I would seek help. But I am with you, I don’t like the multi-purpose responses, such as, “It’s gonna be alright” or “Everything happens for a reason”. “I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope things get better for you” is a little better to me. But you can’t confide in everyone.

  2. December 28th, 2011 at 14:17 | #2

    At first, I was mad at you for feeling this negative way about yourself, but then when I realized that those feelings are a part of all of us, at various times… I was okay with them.

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