Dear Beard
I’ve been letting my beard grow out for the past couple of months. Now, normally I keep a small goatee-looking beard where the edges of my mustache simply droop and stretch to connect with the hair on my chin. But, recently I decided to let all of my facial hair grow out. Why? Well, for one, I like having what I like to call the ‘Mountain Man’ look. When I look in the mirror and see my beard, I feel like going outside, chopping some wood, and wrestling a bear….all with my bare hands. But, I have electric in my apartment and there aren’t any bears roaming the streets of Atlanta so….I don’t know about that. But I’m still a Mountain Man so whatever.
Another reason I’m letting my beard grow is that it makes me look a little older. People seem to believe I’m in my 20’s. Nothing wrong with that, but I kinda want to try looking my age. Hasn’t worked much because now people just think I’m in my late 20’s. But, it does draw a little more attention, so it’s not all good.
Anyway, I’m growing this beard, but it doesn’t really look as I would like. I know guys who grow whole beards that cover their entire faces in a week’s time. Me? Two months and my facial hair is still about as thin as bread mold. But a more refined, sexy bread mold.
I want a fuller beard. Now, I do trim it and shape it up. So, maybe I just need to stop doing that to see just how long it can get. I guess I don’t do that because I don’t want to look homeless. But, the homeless guys must be doing something right because I’ve never seen a bald one. So, I’m going to give it a try and see how it goes. In the meantime, I wrote a letter to my beard in hopes that it will be encouraged to free itself from its fleshly cocoon a little stronger…and faster. Enjoy.
Dear Beard,
Ok, look. I know you’re probably still upset that I’ve denied you and cut you off all these years after you’ve tried to reach out to me. I understand and I’m sorry. But now, I’m trying to make amends. I want us to be friends and I want to show you off to the world.
Right now, it seems things are a little uneven between us. On one side, you’re fully there for me. But, on the other, you’re kinda slacking. It’s patchy, at best. And it’s just not cutting it. Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to look like Zach Galifianakis or an Amish wagon wheel whittler or anything. I mean, not that there’s something wrong with that. But, come on. I just want you to come hang out with me for a few months…maybe even a year or two. Don’t worry. I’ll look out for you and keep you fit and trim and not let your looks get out of hand. I’ll take care of you.
We both know that not everyone is going to like you and things could get a little hairy when they see you hanging all on me like this, but who cares. You’re with me. I’m not embarrassed. So, don’t be shy. Don’t be afraid to express yourself. Come out and be free. Let it all hang out. GROW! GROW! GROW!!!!!! Or I’ll cut you!
Yours truly,
Will
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